Formula for a Good Relationship. Written by Donna Blethen for the Pacifica Tribune

The Gottmans know that no marriage is perfect. They have build a formula for the "good enough" marriage or relationship. The first stories of the Gottman Sound Relationship House include the foundation levels I have written about before. Friendship comprises the first three levels. Level one is the emotional love map , having the mental capacity and emotional interest to know one's partner's internal world. Fondness and admiration are the second floor. 

The emotional bank account of turning toward your partner when they make bids for your attention versus turning away is the third floor. These all build closeness which leads to good physical, intellectual and emotional connection. The fourth floor, positive sentiment override, is built out of these first three. Positive sentiment override is the result of good work in the first three floors. If we have build good connection when we blow it with our partner around something that is important to them, we won't get our heads chopped off. We have enough good will in our bank account with them that they can listen to our explanation and apology . 

They can even consider forgiving us because we are the person that did that sweet, kind or thoughtful thing yesterday or the day before. On the fifth level of our sound relationship house we now have to use our good effective problem-solving skills and good dialogue skills to clean up our conflict area. A great deal of marital conflict is about conversations the couple never had, but needed to have had. By avoiding important but maybe difficult topics, we build distance not emotional closeness. Without the

conversations that go over "What happened back there that got you so upset?" we fail to bid for

emotional connection.

The regulation of conflict is the fifth crucial story in the Gottman SoundMarriage House. Learning

how to dialogue without fighting is the fifth house of the "good enough" marriage. If we learn

the techniques to dialogue we can avoid gridlock. Successful dialogue has four major

components.

These are softened start-up, accepting influence, repair and de-escalation and compromise. Like it or not it is usually the woman who brings up hard-to-talk about items. If she does this with a gentle versus harsh tone, and sandwiches the hard subject with something she appreciates or empathizes with him on either side, he is much more likely to hear it without putting up a wall or feeling ashamed. Shame gets that old blood pressure rising quickly. Men do however have to work on accepting their wives' input without shaming themselves. It is easy for men to feel reduced when something difficult is pointed out to them.

They often take this as criticism. Most of their lives they are taught to suppress any vulnerability. That vulnerability is not tolerated in the masculine domain of achievement. The armoring strategies for success in the dominant culture are counterproductive in the sensitive realm of relationships. The couple members will have to keep sensitive to each other and themselves, as they dialogue. Apologies a d internal soothing self-talk help. When our partners are upset about something we need to be able to soothe them as well as ourselves.

Deep breathing, remembering we love this person, remembering we have had difficult discussions before and survived, listening for the need or want within what they are saying are all aspects of the soothing we can do. Soothing them happens when we listen and receive what they are saying.. When we paraphrase back to them what we heard, they feel even more soothed. And it slows down the conversation. Next we can move into the give and take of compromise. In coupledom we all have needs. To work on both of us getting our needs met we have to use compromise. This is crucial. Without compromise we don't have a "we-ness" in the relationship.

4 Ways to Know if You Are in The Right Relationship or Not.

I believe there are four preliminary ways to know if you are in the right relationship;

First, if both of you are honest with each other. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship; if trust is ever broken or lost the relationship will suffer greatly. If trust is never established, more than likely a relationship is never established as well. If honesty is combined with open communication, nothing outside those two things can burn that bridge.

Second, if both of you know who you are dating. The key thing to remember is; know who you are dating. Get to know the person you are dating. Mingle with the circle of people they associate with, it is very important to know the type of company your significant other keeps. If there is any avoidance of your mate introducing you to the people they hang around with, that is definitely something worth looking into. Remember everyone has stepping stones and boundaries, so don't expect to meet the crew after the second date, but be weary if after a month or so of dating that you are the only person they know, that you know. Now men and women, do act and think differently, a lot of women do not like to bring someone they are dating around their friends until they have established officially what they are, this avoids any unnecessary drama.

Third, if both of you have the same vision as to where your relationship is going. If you and the person you are dating intentions aren't clear, that can be a major road block, even a deal breaker. If one person wants more than the other person has to offer, someone is going to always feel cheated. If you both have clearly communicated what you want, what you don't want, and what you can and can not handle, then you have set the standards for your relationship and you both know how far things can and can not go. Knowing the wants and needs of the other person, in my opinion can tell you if you are in the right relationship, because you both get to determine what you can compromise and what you can't.

Fourth, both of you have a mutual respect for each other. This is very important in determining if you are in the right relationship or not. Respect is the consideration that one has for another, and it is the obedience to remain in the standards of the relationship that the two of you established. If there is a lack of respect then there is clearly a lack of a relationship. The worse thing that anyone one can do to themselves, is lie to themselves about the strength of the relationship they are in. Deep down you know the truth to the preliminary ways to know if you are in the right relationship. So be honest with yourself and then communicate that honesty to the one you are with.

How To Have A War Free Marriage

Sometimes we find out additional couples' homes have been War Zones. Call it: The War Zone! You see, do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this what you were called so that you may inherit a God's blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.



PERSONAL GRID OF ACCEPTANCE

If they hear anything or learn of any truths that do not promote or protect their shallow, "Me First" mind sets, they quickly reject it in attitude and in action. This immediately promotes isolation, then discouragement, then deception, and finally destruction of what was intended to be God's holy, sweet and fruitful marriage.

The mortal foe of selfless, humble obedience to our Lord Jesus is self-absorbed, arrogant disobedience. This fleshly, carnal attitude is a major doctrine of demons bent on destroying the glory of God in homes all over the world. This "I've got my right" attitude grieves and quenches the Holy Spirit. Your hearts are full of pride, the downfall of everyone.

You both are refusing to "...submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." ( Ephesians 5:21) You really do not want anyone to be Lord over you. You are not willing to be a slave to anyone.
You lack a healthy fear of God. There is no trembling in your soul over offending Jesus. The Bible says, "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" (Proverbs 10:19)

The kind of reverence for the Lord we are talking about comes when you get sick and tired of your self-absorbed, discontentment. This kind of tender love and honor for the Lord Jesus comes only when you forget about and forsake yourself and your rights. It is when you decide that demonstrating real love for Jesus occurs when you issue or return undeserved or unearned blessings to family members.

Live out this love in your relationships aright now. May your spouse know this verse is true by the way you treat them. If you say that you reverence Christ, then treat others as He treats you.

When you reverence Christ, then your marriage will begin to have the atmosphere of a Safe Haven of Refuge

May God grant grace to all of our homes! Amen

How To Get Out of Debt and Save Your Marriage.

Money problems can mean relationship problems especially in marriages. When financial issues such as debt add stress to a couple it can lead to disaster and often, divorce. Today's relationships and family issues are more complicated than they used to be. Retirement and health care costs, education, etc. demand couples to be more financially responsible with more complicated decisions.

Americans are spending way more money than they are saving nowadays and that is causing huge problems. Although many couples don't admit to financial trouble, an astounding number are in serious debt. People are embarrassed to talk about their debt, and many people don't even know the extent of their own financial troubles. This can cause a huge strain on a marriage.

The personal saving rate in America today is negative, which means that people are spending more than they earn. Families and couples dealing with these issues, couples with people refusing to talk about it and ask for help is causing not only financial crisis but also contributing to strained relationships and an increased divorce rate.

Complicated financial issues such as student loans, college savings for children, mortgages, car payments, loans, retirement and a myriad of other issues are often becoming the catalyst for divorce. When it gets to difficult to deal with, people often argue about money issues and can't resolve them.


Marriage is difficult enough without debt and other financial burden weighing you down. Communication and proper financial planning are necessary elements to a healthy marriage. Don't let debt destroy your marriage.

If your relationship is suffering because of debt, you may need some help. There are many ways to help you get you and your family out of debt and potentially save your marriage. If you decide to look for a get-out-of-debt program there are a few things to look for. Don't buy into anything that asks you to invest a lot of money; especially if it seems like a scheme. If you are looking online for programs, try to find one that has an informational website that includes information about the program, testimonials and a money-back guarantee. With a little patience, good communication and the right program you can get out of debt and save your marriage.

14 COMMANDMENTS TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST LONG

Very quickly, here are the ways:

1. Continue to build intimacy -- both sexually and emotionally -- throughout your relationship.
2. Create passion for life and for one another.
3. Forgive one another. Don't hang on to past baggage and past hurts. Be willing to let go and to move forward with your lives.
4. Continue to be committed to each other and celebrate your sense of commitment.
5. Like one another and be friends with each other.
6. Have fun together, laugh together, and use humor in healthy ways.
7. Comfort, encourage, and affirm one another.
8. Be able to stand on your own feet as a couple and not be dependent either financially or emotionally on either of your parents.
9. Respect one another when it comes to privacy and space.
10. Parent the kids together.
11. Deal with a crisis and adversity together.
12. Fight fairly.
13. Accept your differences and don't try to change your spouse immediatele after any dissagreement.
14. Keep romance and love alive in your marriage.

Marriage is a relationship of balance. . . and a balance that is easily upset these days. Unfortunately, the solution many people choose to deal with the situation is to divorce. I say "unfortunate" because the vast majority of people enter into getting a divorce with a very optimistic view of the consequences. In fact, people underestimate the cost, the emotional toll, the length of time, the energy, and the consequences for children.



So, they blindly head down the road to divorce. The only ones to benefit from this action? The Divorce Industry, but the couple will not figure that out for awhile. And when they do finally realize this, they will be so angry with each other that they won't care. That is the secret that many divorce attorneys will just not tell you!




But allow me to make an assumption here. Let me assume I am "preaching to the choir." Let me assume that you are already on-board with me about the damage wrought by a divorce. Let me assume that you are not wanting to lose your spouse, that you don't want your children split between homes, that you don't want your finances devastated. Let me assume that you want your marriage to survive, but you don't know if a divorce can be avoided.




If your question is "Is it even possible to stop a divorce?" -- then let us try and think through this together. You see, I don't find it helpful to try and convince people to save a marriage. I only try to provide the information you need to do that.




So, consider the following circumstances and factors that determine the likelihood you will succeed in stopping a divorce and saving a marriage. But first, let me tell you that in my 2 decades of helping people deal with a marriage crisis, I never cease to be amazed by two things: 1) marriages that should not, in my estimation, end -- do, in fact, end. 2) marriages that I think are likely to fall apart and end actually surviving and stay together.




One major lesson I have learned through this: It truly takes two people to make a marriage survive, but it only takes one to royally screw it up (that is my technical term)!




That said, there are factors that play into the likelihood:




1) How long the problems have been known. This is not a matter of how long the problems have existed, but how long one person or the other has been aware of it. The longer a problem has been known, the longer someone has been asking for change. When that change doesn't ever happen, someone often becomes more and more resentful, eating away at the marriage. So, when a threat is made to divorce, it is often more entrenched and defended.




2) Whether there is infidelity or not. First, let me say that statistics show the majority of marriages where infidelity has happened do manage to survive. Second, let me also point out that I did not say "whether has been infidelity or not." We are talking here about whether the infidelity is current and on-going.




The reason is because the affair becomes idealized as the "better relationship," and that can attract the person involved away from the marriage and toward the paramour. That said, the vast majority of extramarital relationships fall apart. Think about it: one day, the person thinks "that person cheated on his/her spouse with me. . . and that could happen to me!" Any relationship built on dishonesty already has the seeds of its destruction sown.




3) Whether children are involved. Parents are capable of pulling outside of themselves and seeing that a divorce would be difficult for the children. So, while it is easy to rationalize and pretend that everything will be okay, the parents know on some level that they are fundamentally ripping away the security the children have known. In relationships where there are children, the children gives such relationships more opportunities to survive.




4) How a spouse responds to the threat of divorce. This is the one you have control over! You can't go back and redo not changing earlier. You can't stop a spouse's infidelity. And you either have children or you don't. But this one, you have control over.




Spouses that take action, that find the helpful information (as opposed to the lame and useless information floating around) tend to have the best chance for restoration. Why? Because good information will helps you avoid the mistakes that make things worse, helps you to create sensible strategies for reconnecting, helps you to understand what went wrong and what needs to go right. In other words, good information gives you the tools and understandings you need to make your marriage survive.




Albert Einstein observed that "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Good information gives you new ways of thinking. And with that information, the chances of stopping a divorce and saving your marriage go up astronomically!


For more marriage saving information, Click Here!


SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

DID YOU MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During a seminar in which I co-hosted, one a woman asked me a question. She said, " Pleas sir, How do I know if I married
the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your
husband?" In all seriousness, how do you know?

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love - because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It  implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened to you.


But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of every relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse
for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And temporary you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully)

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous  experience. It'll never just happen to you. You can't "find" lasting love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes wisdom. You have to know what to do to Save Your Marriage.

Make no mistake about it. marriage is not a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable - you can "make" love.

Saving your Marriage is a day-by-day process whereby you express and maintain a love lasing relationship in your marriage. This system works in every marriage even if only one spouse applies it. 
So take the first step!

Take Time For Intimacy In your Relationship

The Holidays are over -- mostly regardless of your heritage, beliefs, or nationality! And just around the corner is Valentine's Day! Why would I start with that in a blog on relationships? Because it is not JUST the season of love, it is the season of a building storm! You see, in the United States between New Year and Valentine's Day, several relationships begin to grind to a halt. "Normal" love life is put on hold, and people "hunker down" to make it through -- especially if there are problems!

Who wants to start up the year with troubles? Most people who see a problem in their relationships decide to put it off. Unfortunately, many spouses assume that since someone is not talking about the problem, there is no problem. But here is the truth: come the first week of February, there will be one happy group of people -- divorce attorneys! People will fill their offices in the first week of February. In fact, there is a stock of divorce filings throughout January to February.

It happens for a couple of reasons. First, there is a buildup of people who have put it off over the holidays. Second, the first of the year marks new beginnings. People with problems decide to take action.

My hope is you don't fatten the pockets of the divorce business. If there were problems before the holidays, they are still there! Take these next few weeks to begin building a framework of healing. But don't wait until February to get started! The attorneys are waiting!

More information on finding intimacy for your marriage and relationships can be found in this ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.