The Gottmans know that no marriage is perfect. They have build a formula for the "good enough" marriage or relationship. The first stories of the Gottman Sound Relationship House include the foundation levels I have written about before. Friendship comprises the first three levels. Level one is the emotional love map , having the mental capacity and emotional interest to know one's partner's internal world. Fondness and admiration are the second floor.
The emotional bank account of turning toward your partner when they make bids for your attention versus turning away is the third floor. These all build closeness which leads to good physical, intellectual and emotional connection. The fourth floor, positive sentiment override, is built out of these first three. Positive sentiment override is the result of good work in the first three floors. If we have build good connection when we blow it with our partner around something that is important to them, we won't get our heads chopped off. We have enough good will in our bank account with them that they can listen to our explanation and apology .
They can even consider forgiving us because we are the person that did that sweet, kind or thoughtful thing yesterday or the day before. On the fifth level of our sound relationship house we now have to use our good effective problem-solving skills and good dialogue skills to clean up our conflict area. A great deal of marital conflict is about conversations the couple never had, but needed to have had. By avoiding important but maybe difficult topics, we build distance not emotional closeness. Without the
conversations that go over "What happened back there that got you so upset?" we fail to bid for
emotional connection.
The regulation of conflict is the fifth crucial story in the Gottman SoundMarriage House. Learning
how to dialogue without fighting is the fifth house of the "good enough" marriage. If we learn
the techniques to dialogue we can avoid gridlock. Successful dialogue has four major
components.
These are softened start-up, accepting influence, repair and de-escalation and compromise. Like it or not it is usually the woman who brings up hard-to-talk about items. If she does this with a gentle versus harsh tone, and sandwiches the hard subject with something she appreciates or empathizes with him on either side, he is much more likely to hear it without putting up a wall or feeling ashamed. Shame gets that old blood pressure rising quickly. Men do however have to work on accepting their wives' input without shaming themselves. It is easy for men to feel reduced when something difficult is pointed out to them.
They often take this as criticism. Most of their lives they are taught to suppress any vulnerability. That vulnerability is not tolerated in the masculine domain of achievement. The armoring strategies for success in the dominant culture are counterproductive in the sensitive realm of relationships. The couple members will have to keep sensitive to each other and themselves, as they dialogue. Apologies a d internal soothing self-talk help. When our partners are upset about something we need to be able to soothe them as well as ourselves.
Deep breathing, remembering we love this person, remembering we have had difficult discussions before and survived, listening for the need or want within what they are saying are all aspects of the soothing we can do. Soothing them happens when we listen and receive what they are saying.. When we paraphrase back to them what we heard, they feel even more soothed. And it slows down the conversation. Next we can move into the give and take of compromise. In coupledom we all have needs. To work on both of us getting our needs met we have to use compromise. This is crucial. Without compromise we don't have a "we-ness" in the relationship.
These are softened start-up, accepting influence, repair and de-escalation and compromise. Like it or not it is usually the woman who brings up hard-to-talk about items. If she does this with a gentle versus harsh tone, and sandwiches the hard subject with something she appreciates or empathizes with him on either side, he is much more likely to hear it without putting up a wall or feeling ashamed. Shame gets that old blood pressure rising quickly. Men do however have to work on accepting their wives' input without shaming themselves. It is easy for men to feel reduced when something difficult is pointed out to them.
They often take this as criticism. Most of their lives they are taught to suppress any vulnerability. That vulnerability is not tolerated in the masculine domain of achievement. The armoring strategies for success in the dominant culture are counterproductive in the sensitive realm of relationships. The couple members will have to keep sensitive to each other and themselves, as they dialogue. Apologies a d internal soothing self-talk help. When our partners are upset about something we need to be able to soothe them as well as ourselves.
Deep breathing, remembering we love this person, remembering we have had difficult discussions before and survived, listening for the need or want within what they are saying are all aspects of the soothing we can do. Soothing them happens when we listen and receive what they are saying.. When we paraphrase back to them what we heard, they feel even more soothed. And it slows down the conversation. Next we can move into the give and take of compromise. In coupledom we all have needs. To work on both of us getting our needs met we have to use compromise. This is crucial. Without compromise we don't have a "we-ness" in the relationship.
